It is hard to reconcile who I am now with who I have been. Not without purpose, but most certainly without aim. In striving for the rest spoken of in Hebrews ("Let us therefore fear, lest, a promise being left us of entering into his rest, any of you should seem to come short of it." Heb. 4:1), I wonder if I have left the path to wander in a wilderness.
I might say that I am discontent, and yet, what I wish for, what I desire, I am willing to patiently work toward. The result of what I hope to attain will itself be hard work, and I both look forward to it, and dread the beginning of it, when I am least able to do it comfortably.
It is in seeking my comfort that I feel I have somehow come short of something tangible. I don't put myself out much for others anymore. It is a strange flip, from the me that was ever a people-pleaser. I say no to doing things outside of the home, but I fill my time with the things that I wish to do, and have lost all sense of purpose and perhaps even passion in doing so.
In rambling on, perhaps I have touched a place where you are. If I have, don't lose hope - we are not all aimlessly wandering this life, treading water as it were, until the next life comes upon us. No, we have a daily impact on those around us, even if they are only our immediate family. So, if I am going to strive, it will be toward relationship with Jesus, and in some small way give that as a gift to my family, my husband and my sons, and trust that in this, God will bless them, as He has indeed blessed me.
I cannot say that I am not blessed. I have such abundance in my life that I am quite spoiled. There are hardships to be sure, but they are spiritual, emotional - not physical. They are things that truly matter, and they are battles worth winning. To him that overcomes, the promise reads, by the blood of the Lamb, and by the word of our testimony. The blood is applied, I walk daily in God's grace and forgiveness. What, then, is my testimony...
