I Quit Church

Several months ago, I stopped attending church. For people who know me, they find that surprising, even shocking. I've talked to my husband about it, to my parents, to a few close friends. I explored some of the feelings that I had, excuses, if you will, for not being happy, or comfortable.

There always seems to be this yawning divide between the small church and the large church. I grew up in small churches. They seemed stagnant, stuck in a rut of self-absorption, even though I could see that as individuals, members were growing, maturing in their Christian walk. It was good, but never good enough.

Lately, I've only been in large churches. Places where I felt lost in the crowd, unnoticed, unneeded, totally out of place. When I stepped out into any type of ministry, it always felt like a square peg-round hole kind of fit. That kind of functionality in a corporate environment lead to discontent, and eventually to burnout.

In my most recent fellowship, it seemed that the leadership formed a sort of glass bubble. I could see them, perhaps speak to them, but never get close, never form a relationship. Involved as I was in a prayer group, I could see that it was fringe element - recognized by the leadership, but not necessarily important to them.

I wondered if it was my pride that made me discontented, that made me resent not being recognized for my talents, gifts or calling. I have never had to strive for anything - hold fast, yes, work hard at what I was doing, certainly, but never did I have to strive for the things that God had for me. I felt comfortable allowing it to happen, all in God's time. I cannot make something happen if it is not His will, and I would be mortified to put such effort forth, to force an event or position that was not of His plan and purpose. So, I wait, and when a task is before me, I do it. I believe that I am open to his leading, that the Holy Spirit has an open connection with me, and I am prepared for whatever task He may ask of me.

No, I am, I realize, right where I need to be - and yes, forsaking the assembly goes against everything I believe, but right now, my family needs me. And soon, I will find the fellowship that God intends, and I believe that once there, I won't feel that sense of invisibility or uselessness. I will fulfill my destiny, just as I am now, without struggle, without questioning, because I will set my hand to the task before me, and not look back.